Next?

I need to be strong. I’m embarking on another period of change. And that feels unsettling at first. Steady the ship. Take stock. Rebuild.

I have a feeling that change is about to be accelerated, again without my foot on the pedal. But if I grip on to the steering wheel, I’ll steer through it. And then I’ll be back on the open road. Turning up the volume and laughing hysterically. And I’ll be happy that I held on instead of pulling over.

Whatever happens, I can only judge myself by how I react to the vagaries of life. It’s perceived injustices and it’s constant challenges. To feel out of control is uncomfortable, but how can I control all external influences?

It takes a period turbulence to remind me, sometimes, that I need to stand strong in the face of adversity. That no journey is without its trials. And that’s no bad thing.

One stands and wails. Pounding his fists on the door. Demanding you let him through. Threatening, angry. There’s one way forward, and that’s the way he’s going.

Another acknowledges the closed door. Checks its shut fast. Worries that the route planned won’t oblige. Sits down. Remembers why he embarked on this journey. Steels himself. Thinks not of the closed door, but of the journey yet to be had, and where it might lead. He stands up. Plots a new route. And moves again.

Who is strong?

Forward Facing

Your face is different now.
I don’t see the same face I saw back then.
Your expressions look different. Agitated. Uncomfortable. False.
You talk different.
You act and behave different.
In fact. I don’t know you.
And that’s not being harsh, or rude.
It’s just a fact.
And you must feel the same.
Cause I know I’m different.
I’m not the man I was twelve months ago.
Or for the twelve years before that.
So I don’t expect you to know me.
Who we were, individually and together, is history.
And I’ve no intention of living in the past.
I think about the future.
But not in a kind of map it out, or predict it, or even affect it, kind of way.
Just of the infinite possibilities that exist from this point forward.
And that these possibilities are created from what I do in the present.
So, that’s where I live.
In the here and now.
It’s home.
The past, is just something that’s shaped my experience and helps me make decisions.
Not something I want to relive, here. And now.
Life is a continuous motion.
You can’t just stop it freeze frame and stay.
But, if you’re not careful, you could miss a chunk of the movie…
I’ll decide my future.
I’ll decide where I go from here. And now.
And I’ll enjoy my present.
Cause I decided to.

More than recommended….

I drink a little more than recommended.
This world ain’t exactly what my heart expected.

Rudimental ft. Emile Sande

Not an ordinary punishment

You might not realise it yet.
In fact, I’m fairly sure you don’t.
But the only punishment you’ll get from me is a lack of punishment.
I’m not going to shout and scream and get angry.
Or throw things around and trash the place.
Because, in the end, it’s only me who’ll get hurt by that reaction.
You’ll feel vindicated. And maybe even a little relieved.
No, I’m going to maintain my belief in acceptance and compassion.
In refusing to get bogged down, or pulled backwards, by blame and guilt.
Even when you maintain yours in self-preservation and a desperation for justification.
And I do it because I believe that it’s the right thing to do.
The fact that it allows me to be at peace with myself and be happy is simply a thankful byproduct.

“They say Time …

“They say Time heals all wounds. But what do you do on a day when it feels like the hands of your clock have got arthritis?”
Rudi Franciso, “Scars/To The New Boyfriend”

Choose life….

Choose not to be a victim. Choose not to give in, or to be beaten. Choose to be the better person, whether they even realise it or not. That’s not what’s important, what’s important is that YOU know it. Choose dignity. Choose acceptance. Choose to forgive, even though part of you doesn’t want to. Choose not to bow to the temptation of revenge, resentment or bitterness. Choose to move on with your life, and not wallow in the past. Choose reinvention. Choose new challenges. Choose to hold your head high, and meet the eyes of strangers. Choose a future. Choose your present. Choose to laugh out loud, alone or in company. Choose to dance like nobody can see you, even when you know they can. Choose not to always do what you think people think you should do, and just do what you feel like doing instead. Choose liberation. Choose choices. Choose old friends. Choose new ones. Choose the half full glass. Choose to smile. Choose contentment. Choose your own happiness, and don’t excuse waiting for it to choose you. Choose life…..

Not easy…

It’s not easy staying this strong all the time,

Pushing out doubts from each corner of my mind.

It’s not easy staying this resilient all the time,

Brushing off each and every fear that I find.

It’s not easy keeping this smile all the time,

Finding enough positives to negate the other side.

It’s not easy to keep on moving forward all the time,

To refuse to allow even one day to pass me by.

It’s not easy, I know. But it’s right. And that’s life.

Goodbye

We’ve spent the last 13 years building up so many close, emotional connections between each other. And I know that, for you, those connections are broken now already. Instantly replaced with new connections with another. But mine haven’t broken yet. And, for as long as they remain in place, I’m not going to recover or move on. So, now I have to break those connections too. Without doubt, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I have to push you away now. I can’t be your friend any more. Not just now anyway. Maybe, some day, again, but not right now. I still want the 4 of us to spend time together as a family. Not for my benefit, so that I can spend time with you, but for the kids’. I think it’s important that they still get that, even if its not every day, like I believe it should be. So don’t stop coming up to the house, or cancel the family days we’ve planned. But don’t expect me to continue being your best friend just now. I just can’t do that, or things are never going to get better, for all of us. I still miss you, every single day of my life, and that has to pass before we can all find a way to move forward productively. Goodbye, my love, goodbye.

Turning the other cheek….

Sometimes it’s hard not to get angry.

Sometimes it’s hard not to lash out.

But would that make me feel any better?

No, I have my doubts.

But what did I do to deserve this? I ask,

As if there’s an answer that would make sense.

The truth is, I know that there isn’t.

If I could accept that, I could stop looking so past tense.

Bring it on!

Is that the best you’ve got, World?

Pah! Barely even made a dent…..

Bring it on!